3/06/2026 - 10:18am

good morning folks,

I have successfully set up all the necessary channels to purchase a replacement car. Honda is OVER!! which honestly makes me sad I will miss it. driving a manual was so fun, but alas, getting something newer with a manual transmission is evil. Why?? where are they??? if I want something that isn't a sports car then I'm trapped in automatic world. Maybe after I am 25 and the insurance drops.

I may re-do my header stuff. I want to add a dedicated page to Purgeatory, especially since I'm about to drop the Pre-alpha soundtrack (1), but then I will ALSO have to go redo every page's header. Because I don't understand CSS yet or embedding html. I'm thinking I'll do full header on home page and remove the header elsewhere. OR i could have the music page have it's own little header that takes you to my other projects. Perchance.

I think a "writing" and a "projects" page could serve that purpose. throw my essays and blogs under writing, then music and Purge under projects. mhm yes I think so.

now this is on a much more personal note, but I am noticing that I have a very intense anxiety about friendship. I have that constant fear that I am about to be abandoned because I'm not putting in enough, and that I'm missing signs they are beginning to resent me. Every text, comment, facial expression. It's irrational. I don't think I'm actually catching anything. But the fear has me searching fervently anyway. Perhaps since I don't really have friends often, I'm just afraid to lose this one? Now that I actually do think there is genuine connecton?

What's decieving about that though, is I think that every friendship I have lost, historically, has been my fault. I have this lovely habit of getting overwhelmed with my home life and abandoning all of my social connections. Usually with a text, "hey I'm getting busier than I thought, when it clears up I'll text." And then I just never follow up. I'm not lying. But getting busier than is comfortable is almost constant. I'm always pushing myself and doing things I'm not sure about, that's just life. I just don't even attempt to balance it when the stress starts hitting. I'm usually invested so little in a friendship that it seems like it's the obvious first thing to drop when I'm getting overwhelmed.

It did get a little better when I got the ability to drive. Then scheduling any interaction wasn't this herculean task of managing 5 different schedules between them and all of my siblings to make sure that I could take the car. And then it feels burdensome to ask them to drive me around every time. But obviously if I just said that they would understand and have no problem doing so. But my emotions are what they are and I've acted the way I have, and so I've let many cherished relationships fall to the wayside.

So then I wonder, why is it different this time? is it different? Maybe this anxiety is just the realization that usually I've left by now, and I'm still here. I don't know what to do exactly. I feel like I'm doing something wrong all the time, but I'm better off doing something and feeling bad than doing nothing and feeling comfortably alone.

Last month I wrote in my journal: "You will never be ready for anything. You just have to do it." I didn't think much of it, just some general wisdom that had hit me when I was setting up my monthly habit tracker. But I think it's hit harder than anything I've ever put in that place. Interpersonally, I think I've grown more this year than I have since navigating social anxiety in high school. I can always, always, always think up an excuse why I shouldn't do something. My energy is better spent elsewhere, I'll think. I could be doing x, y, or z for my family instead. Finishing another project in the pile. But that gets me nowhere. Before I know it I'll be 30 with no friends, a career I hate, and talking to no one but my parents. I don't want that. But that's where comfort gets me. Sticking with what I know.

So hopefully I can wrap my head around this. Continue to push forward despite the discomfort. And maybe eventually I have more people to be comfortable with, rather than insulating myself from the world.

until next time,

koen